Booze Machine... The Enigma

Disclaimer:I don't have a law degree or a lawyer so if you're under 18 (yes I'm ageist), female(yes I'm misogynist((hope I spelled that correctly)), or just sensitive in general about homophobia or bigotry(no explanation required those that fall in that category already know most of my bullshit is tongue in cheek)), please don't read any of the stuff below as it will leave a bad taste in your mouth and probably make you hate me.

"Current reader" thinks= News Flash Booze, yo' momma leaves a bad taste in my mouth and I already hate you. (Shucks I'm gonna make the jokes for you along the way because I'm a nice guy like that) you guys="Current reader"



A long time back I was running my mouth talking about how I would write about how twisted my views on life are and never got around to it. Please forgive all grammatical/spelling errors, I've never claimed to be anything but a chucklehead, this stuff will prolly be the proof. BTW, I'll prolly switch between narrative and straight dialogue a lot, since I am not a writer.. oh and episodes will probably have no linear connection it'll just be stories/anecdotes as I remember 'em


Episode 1:The Silver Spoon

Booze notices jimmy strolling down the road towards town
Booze: hey jimmy what's up? ain't seen you in a while.,
Jimmie: Heading into town, I heard Life's on his way.
Booze: Wanna eat a grape or two and see if he's actually on the way by? Pretty easy to sit here by the road and eat a couple grapes.
Jimmie: Sorry Boozie, Pops always taught me if Life's coming to town get on it right away, don't want to miss out on the finer things.
Booze: not a bad idea, I'll come with.

Booze and Jimmy roll into town

Jimmy: I'm guessing the best place to head is to the Tubthumpers, seems they always get first dibs.
Booze: I dunno man, I hate Tubthumper Tommy, he's such a pompous ass. Hate being near him let alone talking to him.
Jimmy: Boozie think big picture, get whatever life throw's your way and fuck Tommy nobody gives a shit about him.

Jimmy and Booze amble on to the Tubthumper house.

Booze: You were right Jimmy, Life is here.. what the hell is he giving them tubthumpers?
Jimmy: Looks like Lemons.. hmm that is different, they usually get decent stuff..
Booze:oh, I see where he's going.. Life's just rubbing our noses in it. The Tubthumper's are gonna use the silver spoon.
Jimmy: whuh? what silver spoon?
Booze: Come on, you've never heard the term "Life brings you lemons.... make Lemonade?" who do you think made up that fairy tale? it was a rich prick with a silver spoon! They wave their fancy silver spoon and it makes them sugar which turns the lemons into some hoity toity happy juice that I want no part of.
Jimmy: I dunno Boozie, Life's been fairly good to me so far, mebbe you're overreacting?

Life approaches Jimmie and Booze

Life: hey boys, I'm handing out gifts today, have anything in mind?
Jimmie: Well if you're handing out stuff, Booze could prolly use a sense of humour.hehe
Booze: fuck you Jimmie
Jimmie:Well since you're handing out lemons to everybody else, one of those should do. Mebbe I can get some sugar down the road and i'll make a sweet deal.
Booze: With all these sugar covered lemons your Mom's gonna be a busy girl tonight
Life: Grow up Booze, you're juvenile..
Life: so Jimmie, done deal, always happy to oblige a friendly customer
Booze: haha Life, wants to oblige a friendly customer.. hehe I'm so funny
Life: okay Booze, since you're being a smart ass, here's your gift...
Life: Tadaahh
Booze: Tadaah??? what the fuck is that?.??
Life: it's one of Life's mysteries, play nice and you'll find out later on

Booze looks to Jimmie
Booze:so Jimmie.. What do you think the mystery is?
Jimmie: Dunno man, but I'm gonna guess it'll be one of Life's cruel jokes... Kinda like your face
Booze: Fuck you Jimmie, I'm going home to eat some grapes... sick burn though, good job.
Jimmie: Your mom does a good job but I get a sick burn on my crotch afterwards..
Booze: Okay.. now we're crossing the line, nobody gets sick on my moms watch..
Jimmie: Now I'm confused.. I didn't give her a watch it was a Necklace
Booze: fuck me, kk you own me for tonight Jimmy.. can't believe I got beat by a kid named after a condom. See ya tomorrow
Jimmie: ya whatever dickhead

this is funny indeed. your burning yourself

Oh the infamous silver spoon, the crux of people finding gold in piles of shit so you decide to go dig in piles of shit only to find nothing and you just end up covered in shit

Youdontsay is fucking psychic, are you old enough to pass the under 18 clause? Cause you just half assed ruined episode 2.hehe
Author's Note: /emote is a term used in old school rpg games to describe one's actions since there were only dialogue channels back in the day.

Episode 2: You don't always get what you wish for

Life: Hey Booze! Don't run off like a sour puss til you see your mystery gift.
Booze: Sour puss eh? I know it's gonna be a lemon, take your lemon and shove it up your ass
Life: But I said Tadaah... you know that makes the gift extra special just for you right?

Life pulls out a covered silver platter from behind his back.

Jimmie: Sorry guys,I overheard the conversation and I just had to see what is on this silver platter
Jimmie :/emote rubs his hands together in anticipation

Booze: Okay, so it's special for me. Hey Jimmie won't it be great if it's a platter full of grapes!
Booze:/emote rubs his hands together in anticipation

"current reader": hmm a lotta hand rubbing and anticipating going on.. these guys getting ready for a circle jerk?

Life lifts the lid slowly enough that Booze gets a glimpse

Booze: Holy Shit Jimmie, Those are grapes, we're getting fucked up tonight buddie, Yah!!

Life: Tadaah...

Life removes the lid, here's what I brought you Booze.

Booze: Seriously?..!? you show me grapes then bring me shit on a silver platter? Life your not fair at all that's total bullshit.

Jimmie: I don't think that's bullshit, smells more like dog shit.

Booze: Shit is shit man, it all stinks the same you asshole.

Phil the Shrill: Technically an herbivore and a carnivore have very different diets so their shit will smell different given the ratio of yada yada yada

Booze:Sorry to cut you off midsentence Phil it's not the time, I know you know a lot a shit about a bunch of different shit, but let me finish this episode.

Booze: So Life since you're being such a nice guy bearing gifts, why don't you take this platter over to the tubthumpers and you can all eat shit and die.

Jimmie: Umm Boozie, you might want to settle down here, don't want to say anything you might regret

Life: it's okay Jimmie, Booze missed out, I'll take him up on the offer tho and give the Tubthumpers his silver platter.

Booze: You think I over reacted a bit Jimmie?

Jimmie: I dunno silver spoons seem to be pretty damned good, and you just told life to stuff his silver platter up his ass

Booze: No, I told him to stuff the lemons up his ass and to eat the shit and die, technically I think the platter could still be mine

Jimmie: I don't think Life is gonna see it that way. Might want to learn to keep your mouth in check

Booze: Well, you know I won't eat shit but I am definitely gonna go to the Tubthumpers and see about getting my platter back.
jimmie:/emote shakes his head
Jimmie to self: that idiot just doesn't get it

Episode 3: Always mind your Manners

Booze's grape buzz wears off a bit as he walks towards the Tubthumpers house. He see's Tommy at the road side behind a lemonade stand.

Booze to self: Hmm being pissed off at Life didn't get me very far, maybe I'll try some tact here. I haven't exactly been nice to Tommy in the past but I'll give'er a try.

Booze: Heya Tommy, A lemonade stand very ambitious of you, business going well?

Tommy: Yep, it's been great, Peeps love getting hammed up on Lemonade.

Booze: what? you can get hammered on Lemonade?

Tommy: umm, how drunk were you in episode one Booze? I'll quote you "sugar turns the lemons into hoity toity happy juice", I use my uncle Mikes recipe.. tastes sweet, gives you a great buzz, faster than grapes even... I'm buying lemons up as fast as I can get them, paying top dollar and still tripling my money.

Booze under his breath: Dammit, wish I hadn't told Life to stick that lemon up his ass

A "Mean Joe Green look-alike" in a tuxedo comes up to stand behind Tommy

Mean Joe Green look-alike: Here you go boss, that's the last lemon in town. Jimmie wanted to keep it but I told him to cough it up or I'd stick his dick in the dirt.Muhahaha<--laughs maniacally

Don Carleone: Hah, I love the way this guy does business, you got potential kid

Leroy Jenkins: Sweet Jesus Booze, you racist prick. Why the muscle in this story gotta be a black guy and the first words outta his mouth gotta be boss. And why is he a "Mean Joe Greene look-alike", can't he just be a Large Man in a Tuxedo For starters if you're going to bring a football god into the story at least spell his name right MuthaFucka.

Author: Sorry Leroy, you asked not to be involved in my fucked up stories.. You know I'm just cracker from cracker town, can't help but jerk yer chain once in a while.

Leroy Jenkins: Fuck you Booze/Author.. whatever this shit is leave me outta it, and that chain jerking shit is even more racist you asshole.

Author: Hey Leroy?.. you want a coke?(sorry man, had to be done it was part of the bit)

Booze: umm Tommy? This Very Large Man and Don Carleone are just here to scare me right? I've watched the godfodder, you didn't whack Jimmie did you?

Tommy: Booze, meet Mr. Manners
Tommy:/emote points at the Very Large Man and chuckles
Tommy: Don't worry he always plays nice

Tommy: For now, this is the last lemon in town Don Corleone and this story is getting way too long and convoluted.
Tommy: So Godfodder, this story has come to an end for you. Mr.Manners is gonna peel you off a nice hunk of this lemon and you're gonna stick it in your mouth and dance around in the garden with your grand kids and have a heart attack... sound fair?
Godfodder: Hey this ain't how the movie happened, you're the concierge(no Idea how to spell it) Mike's my son. You two are supposed to sit guard around the hospital and save me from the hit men. The lemon peel doesn't come til way later.
Godfodder:/emote sucks a lemon and dies

"current reader":this episode sucks a lemon and should die

author: sorry guy's I'm getting there.

Tommy: oh by the way Booze, Life stopped in just before you got here, he mentioned you'd prolly be by looking for this.

Tommy places the covered silver platter on the counter of the lemonade stand.

Booze: ahh my platter, let's talk about this..

Episode 4: Promises

Tommy places the covered silver platter on the counter of the lemonade stand

Booze: ahh my platter, let's talk about this..

Tommy lifts the lid and eats a big scoop of shit with his silver spoon then sports a huge grin.

Tommy: This shit is great man, best shit I've ever eaten. Get's you higher than a kite. I'll be sporting a perma-smile in a second or two. Best thing Life ever brought me.

Booze: Hold on I think this has all been misconstrued! technically I told life to bring you the shit on the platter so you could all eat the shit and die. I didn't say you could keep the platter, in my mind it was kinda like sending over a casserole, I still wanted my dish back.

"Current Reader": wish I could eat some of that shit cause this story is lame

Tommy: Hmm, no I think request denied

Booze: Alright then, what if I told everybody about what happened to the GodFodder!

Tommy: go ahead Uncle Mike owns the Kops2 plus we're under witness protection, that is why we are the Tubthumpers instead of the Corleone's

Tommy: Mr. Manners now that I've had my share, be a dear and change the sign on top of the stand, cross out the Lemonade 3$ and put up Sweet Shit 10$ per cup

No sooner is the sign finished then two hot girls walk up.

Hot Girl1: We need some of that sweet shit

Tommy: okay two cups of sweet shit thats 20 bones

Hot Girl2: nope.. two girls, one cup. And there won't be any bones, but we'll let you watch.

Tommy: trust me if I'm watching there will be at least one bone.. hey Mr. Manners take care of Booze for me I have to watch this two girls one cup thing, I bet it's great!

Booze: Alright, I'm confused as fuck.. here you guys are slinging shit and in the movie Mike and Tommy were dead against selling smack. A couple of broads show up and start talking about cups and now I'm left here dealing with a guy who looks like Mean Joe.. i mean Mr. manners.

FodderfromFlorida: You think you're confused.?.! I got involved in the story for half a second and then you made me suck a lemon and die. Not that I wanted to be involved but what is that?

author: Sorry but with the name Fodder, it is implied that you are easily expendable. This whole episode was really just a set up for future stories, and I used it as a cheap way to get at least you and Kop briefly mentioned at least once. Sorry back to story.

Mr.Manners: Were you talking outta character Booze? that's very rude.

Booze: I dunno.. think I was in character.

Mr.Manners: Well here is the deal, possession is 9 tenths of the law. So as I see it the platter is Tommy's

Booze: hmm well if it's 9 tenths of the law am I not due at least 10 percent of it?

Mr.Manners: Yeah, okay that makes sense. Come over and look at the platter real close and just kinda point out to me what 10% you think is yours.

As Booze approaches the platter and leans in to pick out his share Mr.Manners grabs him by the back of the head and slams his face into the platter of shit.

After Mr.Manners quits rubbing Boozes nose in it.

Booze: blurg hawk smck blegh

Mr. Manners: You like having your nose rubbed in shit?

Mr Manners: Muhahahaha(laughs maniacally) You the dumbest turkey I ever met. Crack wise on me again mothafucka. I dare you.

Booze: barf, barf barf

Mr.Manners: Life told Tommy you'd be coming for that platter bitch, News flash don't tell Life you want peeps to eat shit and die without expecting some pay back, so Tommy promised to rub your nose in your own pile of shit and in exchange Life says Tommy's " shit will never stink" and he'll always come up smelling like roses.

Booze: kk this is not the kinda shitfaced that I was imagining this morning when I woke up and said "I wanna get shitfaced".. I'm kinda confused

Mr.Manners: Well if you're not sure what happened you can have an instant replay, come over here and show me what 10% of the platter is yours

Booze: fuck that noise.. but I watched him eat the shit and the whole two girls one cup thing

Mr.Manners: duh, silver spoon asshole, the shit tastes great. The two girls one cup thing is just fucked up, those girls are just crazy over rubbing each other with shit.

Episode 5: Coming of Age

Jimmie: Boozie, you didn't come to town today, you missed out..

Booze: Huh?! I just been sitting here popping some grapes

Jimmy: You missed out on Life, he was giving out good stuff today.. Said I was of an age where he figured it was time to set me up with some gear.

Booze: "of an age" what does that mean?

Jimmie: I dunno exactly but he gave me this bat and a pair of cleats, Life asked me to give you this on my way home

Jimmie hands Booze a bat

Booze: What the heck, so I get a plastic bat that says Whiffle on it? why would Life give me this?

Jimmie: I dunno, after life gave everybody their junk it was the last one left so he asked me to stop by and drop it off.

Booze: What ever, so I get a whiffle bat, what's up with the cleats?

Jimmie: I don't know really, but he said it would help with my base running.

Booze: base running? I have no idea what you're talking about

Jimmie: I have no clue either but he said it'll be time for me to play ball soon, I hear some of the older kids at school talk about ball, they seem to be pretty excited about it

Booze: I dunno about this baseball shit, but I'm guessing Life fucked me again with this Whiffle bat
Booze: Hey Jimmie, let me see the bat that Life gave you, Just so I can compare and stuff

Jimmie: Sorry man, Life told me to keep it to myself until game time. Plus I think if I showed you my bat that you'd prolly get jealous

Booze: Fuck that, we're best friends just show me your fucking bat!

Jimmie whips out his bat...

Booze: hmm, so you get that big piece of wood and I get a whiffle bat... Think life fucked me over again. Put that thing away, quit waving it around and showing it off. You queer or something?

Jimmie: Pretty sure I'm not queer, you're the guy that asked to see my bat you homo.. not sure exactly how baseball works yet but I bet yo momma will like my new bat.heh

Booze: I don't think my mom likes queers

Jimmie: seriously Booze? you get "yo momma'd" and you automatically go into your default homophobic vitriol, you asked to see my bat so pretty sure you're the one that is queer

Booze: Nope. You're gay, you exposed your bat to a hetero so you are gay.

Jimmie emote shakes his head and thinks.... This kid will never get it

Booze: Don't suck too many dicks on the way home Jimmie. Would hate to have you asphyxiated on a bunch of male members..

Jimmie: Booze, you don't even know about baseball yet, and you're talking about dicks all the time, pretty sure you're gay or very disillusioned.

Booze: Disillusioned, big word for a gaylord

Jimmie shakes his head.. under his breath as he leaves "why do I hang out with this idiot"